The desire to find a man to tame this lone wolf’s heart
Matt was 10 years my senior, my first ever real attempt at having a real relationship with anyone. With the constant need of myself trying to ‘be real’ & perhaps even somewhat ‘human’, to be less mechanical what I tend to be; emotionless & at times non empathetic. We met at Hamilton Station Hotel; I was intoxicated (in the happy zone) & well as a lone wolf would tend to be very lonely for company. At the time I decided to take a stab at something I never had done; declare my intentions & anyone willing to go in the flow of it. The relationship was under a mutual agreement after a somewhat of a passionate fun time at first. We had our ups & downs during that we had together but I couldn’t handle the lack of loyalty he had shown me, even during those times I even pondered onto my own disloyalty. There was no need to be in a relationship where only morals were going to be jeopardised on what we first agreed on first henceforth. Mentally strained & becoming less empathetic there was no choice but to end it.
After all of the emotional regathering, I searched for the qualities in a loyal person to be gone through various flings while drunk to discover this ‘missing piece of the jigsaw’. Meanwhile in spite of this I had failed to realise to notice a few people whom had a genuine interest in me. Selfishness on my part or just opportunities, come what may out of these but I’ve come to that realisation of each person’s traits, personalities, motivations & wants. It all comes down to if I desire their wants or does my analytical mind defy that logic from happening in the first place.
Randomly once again I defied my logic & take up a gamer’s request after chatting for quite some time to meet & try at it. Rush/Manny was 9 years my junior, total flip of the coin. If it was immaturity or just the fact he was so different & I didn’t know how to deal in the difference of pace. We did click then became unknowingly distant & then he too became showing the signs of disloyalty.
Now the phase in this later part is guys are still after me but the drive/desire to wanting this ‘relationship normality’ is a bit fickle & even nit picking on my part. I do deserve the best for my own life on how I do see fit. The test in my own timeline on the path of life will be the fact of me trusting my logic or become on that 3-strike loser streak. Always plaguing my mind are these:
Why are the factors of disloyalty happening?
Am I not keeping them happy?
Do I show this ‘disloyalty’ myself without the realisation?
I will most likely never know the answer to this till time or my mind discovers the realisation to this.